What To Do When Aliens Arrive.


Shit your pants and run nowhere. But seriously, what is the real universal language? Sure we love you, we mean you no harm. How would we show it physically? Would physics even be the medium to convey our disposition? For all we know they could be mind readers or cross dimensional beings living in our underpants.

Alright, so what could we say for sure about beings that came to visit us? (Assuming of course that their intention it isn’t obvious by death rays or bumper stickers from Alpha Centauri). . . .We know the universe is pretty damn massive, possibly infinite- so if somebody does decide to come here specifically of all places, its probably intentional.

I’ve heard theories that aliens might assume cars or cats or such are the dominant species on earth, but any alien with half a brain is going to recognize that humans can determine the fate of other earthlings more consistently than vice versa. Of course its always possible we won’t be the focus of a visit or that communication is impossible for some reason. But if we worry too much that the aliens are just pissing through or here to visit carrots or something then there would be no point in trying to communicate with them anyways. We are forced to go with what seems most probable; its all about playing the odds. That being said we need to assume the aliens are here to see us, and that they are trying to communicate.

We will know nothing about their sensory capabilities except for the fact that they are able to sense us in some form. Instructing Uhura to broadcast at them over all frequencies or blast them with lights and keyboards like Richard Dryfus may be annoying or even dangerous. Its best to broadcast across the medium we know they can sense and are prepared to encounter- ourselves.

Faced with the alien vessel in the woods, you should start doing jumping jacks pausing to display prime numbers. It keeps you both mentally and physically occupied with something eliciting intelligence. If you can’t count them very high,go here. Why prime numbers? Its like the opening band’s burnt out roadie flashing his backstage pass to the headliner’s burnt out roadie. I understand that you are in the know and respect that, but please understand that i am in the know as well and belong here. Primes are going to be a consistent intelligent sequence no matter what dimensional plane you’re existing on.
*except of course one where nothing is separate. Imagine the absence of what we call “space”, everything just mashed together. No thing being separate from any other thing. If the only digit is one, there can’t be mathematics. An existence where nothing is separate could not have a working system of numbers , but communication would surely be impossible as well. Again we’re forced to make an assumption to remain within a plane our puny minds can comprehend.

So following the jacks, they bring you aboard sit you down on a tinfoil couch or something, offer you a marstini. How should you try to interact? Show them you are pleased they have visited and want their friendship? Best to look at nature for this one i think, too difficult an expression for math. I think the most neutral and consistently positive form of language free contact is grooming. Its gentle so as not to be misconstrued as an attack and it shows an affection for the groomed. Almost resembling healing activities, it conveys the message of fondness and care. . . ..Just don’t get carried away, it may be difficult to discern the alien’s shoulders from its genitals.

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8 Responses to “What To Do When Aliens Arrive.”

  1. Brian Barker Says:

    Is there an answer, then. to the question that there “is no real Universal Language”

    Perhaps then there is an argument for Esperanto, after all?

  2. Marcus T Says:

    Keep in mind, while you are sitting in a spaceship “stroking” an alien, someone with a lot of metal pinned to their pajamas is counting down with his hand over the shiny red button.

    My advice? Start drinking heavily, hold your thumb up and above all else, Don’t Panic!!

  3. exuvia Says:

    They could be coming for plastic bottles and old newspapers in a cosmic recycling program.

  4. remistevens Says:

    check the dumps,

    bring a towel.

  5. remistevens Says:

    Sorry Brian, you’d gone into my spam queue. Esperanto is very interesting indeed, although when it comes to aliens. Any human language is going to be useless unless the aliens have learned it first.- or if say our language developed from aliens. Maybe Latin comes from Mars?

    Surely having one international language would be helpful in that the aliens would only need to learn our one universal human language instead of thousands of local dialects. It would also eliminate any controversy that would develop from aliens learning one cultures language first and communicating only with them.

    And of course it would ease communications between us humans as well. Hopefully calming down conflicts internationally.

    I support your lobby- good luck!

  6. remistevens Says:

    lets be honest, the aliens are going to think we’re pretty silly when they see all our useless wars.

  7. ponch58 Says:

    The aliens will laugh whole heartedly at our primitive weapons, no doubt. If they have the technology to visit other inhabited worlds, they aren’t going to come empty handed. They will at least have incredible shields to fly that distance in space. Asteroids and all…

    mmm…spam queue…I’ll have onions on mine please!

  8. remistevens Says:

    just let it keep its form when you take it out of the can so that it doesn’t fall through the grill.

    he’ll be laughing the whole of three hearts and an open body cavity circulatory system.

    they could zip here through the folding of space, possibly even for the first time in their civilization. in this case they could be very undefended- even the spear i keep at the top of my steps for home security may prove effective at killing. just do the jumping jacks, its the safest bet no matter what their packing.

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