Earn $1000′s daily! Its the perfect combination. No one suspects a jogger of criminality. I can run right up to someone, take their wallet, and cleanly run away without anyone blinking an eye. Then, as my stamina improves, i can continue doing the same thing 10 minutes later a few blocks away. Suited up today in my spandex/nylon gear, I came home with 7 new watches, 4 purses, cash, prizes, various prescription medications and a new dog i’ve named cuddler.
The stuffing factor is a major influence on my efforts to keep slim. The more running i do, the more watches and money clips i can keep disguised around my abdomen discretely. Essentially the more money i make, the healthier i get.
That's me on the right, . .wait, left.
Some people engaged in the new sport even get creative with its fundamentals. A fellow mogger who owned an apartment building was having trouble evicting a no-good tenant. Timing the tenant’s movements. He moggered him in the park one evening, stabbing him several times. The tenant now has a very small basement apartment on the outskirts of town, and my friend is doing marathons.
Tips:
Wear a fanny pack. People won’t realize its for loot storage, they’ll just figure you’re serious and a loser.
Dress appropriately. Cops know criminals wear all black, black and white stripes, or orange prison coveralls. No one wearing fluorescent has committed a crime since the eighties.
Wear a motivational slogan on your shirt; help the people you’re stealing from learn something. Maybe if they’d been “unsatisfied with second place” they’d still have a wallet.
Hold rolls of nickles in your fists. Its cheaper than wrist weights and makes for great knock-out punches.
Bring a watch, a small water bottle and a music player- all can be used as weapons in a pinch.
Look out for other moggers. Get them before they get you!
Pushing a baby carriage or faking that you’re pregnant can provide extra storage space for big hauls.
Carry an emergency whistle. After the grab, blow it while running away, observers will think you’re the victim.
Tags: comedy, comical, crime, criminality, criminals, earn, earning, exercise, exercises, fanny packs, fun, funny, health, healthy, humor, humorous, humour, humourous, jail, job, jobs, jog, jogging, joke, jokes, laugh, laughing, loosing weight, making money, marathon, marathons, money, mug, mugged, mugging, nylon, public, public safety, run, running, safety, sidewalks, spandex, sport, sports, staying healthy, steal, stealing, stolen, theft, thefts, weight loss, work, work out, working, working out
July 31, 2009 at 11:18 pm |
Your pregnant already?!?! But you just got married today!!!
August 10, 2009 at 12:34 am |
You wish man, its like when you bought a house. all i heard about for the next 6 months was: buy a house, buy a house, buy a house.
August 12, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Don’t worry, I’m as big a fan of your commitment of non-reproduction as you are. For the sake of humanity.
p.s. buy a house!
August 6, 2009 at 2:24 pm |
Why is a brilliant criminal mind like yours working in a joint like that with an asshole like him.
Mogfray Mogart
“No one wearing fluorescent has committed a crime since the eighties.” Beautiful!
August 6, 2009 at 2:36 pm |
Liked the music; it just describes the scene:
Mogart, dressed in black but with a tie, reaches the top flight of stairs with two wallets stretched up and out in a victory pose. The producers of Rocky are now accused of having done time travel. They stole this scene out of the future. Now is, moggar Mogart, a postmodern new age, Darwinian superhero is on the loose. The fittest mogger shall survive.
This should not be practiced at home and without professional supervision. If you continue, avoid looking up the police department.
August 10, 2009 at 12:40 am |
Mogging cops is easy man, most of them are 300lbs+.
Rocky would have been one lethal mogger.
Organized mogging? . . . …Imagine the Toronto Bay Marathon were to descend on your store? Surely they’d clean you out better than a couple of bruiser extortionists.
Thanks Exuvia, sometimes the music fits sometimes it doesn’t. I must have been in a sufficiently criminal state when i did that one.
September 9, 2009 at 1:01 pm |
[...] long as you’re not working to the point where you have exhausted your muscles, you’ll get the best efficiency from backbreaking repetition. Its just like the gears in your [...]