We’ve all been there (except me). You know you’re wrong, but you’ll argue to the death that you’re right. Maybe its a monetary bias, you’re personally involved, or maybe you’ve previously said something in error and now you don’t want to flip flop. . . . ..Maybe you just like to screw with people. . . .Whatever your twisted motivation, this is how you win arguments when you are wrong.
1. Dialectic- Polarize the issue. Make it seems as though there are 2 equally good choices even though it is plainly obvious your side is false. I mean, you’re wrong, so there is in fact only one valid position- the other guy’s. By enforcing that there is a real argument you posit two real points of view. Most audiences are skimming issues and will believe your position is well thought out and logical because of all the “answering” you’ve done.
2. Disparity- Make sure to push the other side as far away from you as possible. You cannot make any compromises when you’re wrong, usually that would lead to the whole shebang being exposed and the truth being outed. Make the opposition’s position seem extremist and you’ll help shock moderates over to your position. This is why leftists are now known as communist pot farmers and the right wing is populated by gargoyles atop piles of money.
3. Deny – If its a good criticism, its important you deny it completely. Although sometimes for the real tough ones, its better to go with my next suggestion. . . .
4. Deflect – Simply don’t respond, its so easy. If your opponent said something really good, ignore it. Also, if there’s an issue out there you know could kill you, for Pete’s sake, don’t bring it up.
5. Detour – When all else fails and your opponent is not letting you get away with denying or deflecting, you need to detour. Bring up, at length, something unrelated that your opponent absolutely must respond to. He’ll look redundant if he repeats himself and you can accuse him of evading the new topic you’ve just brought up.
6. Defend- Take offence when none should be taken. Its a great way for a just criticism of your position to be softened.
7. Desperation- Assume the role of victim. Not just being offended in debate, but as though you are the champion of some bullshit cause. This can rally those who share your specific interests and build sympathy under a vague false banner. Good examples: “Support our Troops“, “Family Values”, “Patriotism”
8. Disconnect- A big part of winning debate is displaying more ‘expertise’ than your opponent. Of course you’re wrong, so actual expertise needs to be avoided. Its smart to disconnect the argument from true intellectual authority on the topic. Do this by claiming to know things that would be too hard to explain. You can also cite your own credentials as proof of your argument’s legitimacy. Don’t sound pompous, but assert a little dominance so the fools listening can tip their hats to your knowledge and shut their brains off in support.
9. Divulge- If you’ve only got a few tired points, you need to make them sound fresh. Its important you maintain the illusion that your position is backed up by a wealth of good information. Re-release an old idea- it looks like ingenuity.
10. Dis-associate- Use irrelevant facts and data to back up a point. Blame cancer on laziness, say that democracy killed the dodo- be creative and have some fun with this one.
11. Doubt- Question the reliability of damning facts you know to be true.
12. Dilute- If damning facts are unavoidable, lessen their impact by suggesting them in a wish wash of positive light.
13. Discredit- Take stabs at your opponent’s credibility as though their argument depends on it. “You’re just a musician, let the big people discuss this. . . .”
14. Disapprove- Make a ‘greater authority’ moral complaint about your opposition. Say that God, our ancestors, mother nature and such would disapprove. Its key to stress emotion over logic here.
15. Demographic- Create a false sense of popularity for your position; a whole giant group supporting you. On a small scale you can simply make reference to these people. But if you’ve got a bigger operation, try enforcing employees to bring family to rallies or simply pay people to cheer your name and boo your opponent.
16. Dissect- Since your opponent is the correct one, he no doubt has many good points. Look for his weaker points, or even better, any slight inaccuracies. With his argument dissected into smaller pieces, you can focus your attack on the minor battles and exaggerate them. Paraphrase it down to a good sound bite and repeat.
17. Diligence- Don’t let up. Keep pushing your ridiculous shit. Say something enough times and it becomes true. Say something enough times and it becomes true. Say something enough times and it becomes true.
18. Distort- Put everything into a muddled flux: distort your opponent’s position, distort the facts, distort ethics, distort public opinion. Throw up such a smoke screen that people can’t tell what’s what. The truth will get lost in the mix.
19. Develop- Well, if the rules are truly being pressed on you, and you can’t hide, ignore or debate against the truth, you need to change the rules. Change the rules and you can become right.
20. Deity- Lucky enough to have found yourself in a position where you can start changing the rules to make yourself right? You need to change the right sort of rule that ensures you keep that ability. . . .Kind of like wishing for more wishes. . . .hmmmn. . . . . . .here’s a good one: “The king is always right!”
Did a google search to find “king” pictures. What does this say about us? Tut was #10, Martin Luther was #9, Arthur was #6, Cobra was #5, there was no Elvis, and #’s 1,3,4 and 7 were Burger.
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