You Are Legally Obligated to Carry a Cell Phone


For years I’ve proudly had no cell phone. I find something very unnatural and ridiculous about it. Call it whatever the hell you like, its very odd to walk around talking to yourself holding a chunk of plastic against your head. . . . Two people talking in the cafe: “Hold that thought friend, i have something very important to take care of” promptly interrupting the conversation for 3 minutes to hold a salt shaker against her knee and sing to herself.

Ok, I’m not here to complain about cell phones today, only to point out how they will one day be required by law. Its not as draconian as it sounds, and it will seem a perfectly logical step in an obvious progression.

Convergence. At one time there were clocks and radios. Then, someone got the bright idea of cramming a clock into a radio, the clock radio was born. Further genius would see the clock radio getting itself jammed into all sorts of other devices- your car, your stove, your furniture, even the thing that holds your soap in the shower would wind up with a clock radio in it. Eventually, we wised up and realized the clock radio was the item we really wanted and started cramming other devices into our clock radios: calculators, phones, computers, tv’s- everything was assimilated. Today, we call these super clock radios ‘cells’ and we’ve made them portable and disposable. We love it! Make it smaller, give it more capabilities. The logical progression? Your pocket items will converge for your convenience. Cell phones will devour everything you carry daily.

Your money will go into your cell; using it at the checkout will be ordinary. Your keys will go into your cell- unlock your car/home with a key code. Bus pass, self defence, personal grooming, they could even invent a cell with simulated cigarette smoke. Its almost limitless! But, of all the things in your pocket, one thing has a significantly different legal status- your ID.

In many countries, you are legally required to carry ID. Driving a car, carrying a weapon? Depending what you’re doing, the need for ID is even more likely. You legally need a licence to drive, so if driver’s licences are absorbed into cell phones, you then legally need a cell phone to drive.

Who pays for the phone? You (although there will likely be some sort of state provided poverty alternative). We’re obligated to have car insurance at our own expense. We’re obligated to wear clothing in public at our own expense. We’re obligated to have ID and pay to have it replaced. You will be obligated to purchase a cell phone. . . .Luckily, with the direction of technological progress, these mandatory phones will break weekly or even daily and need replacement at the user’s expense.

And you thought YOU got roped into a long contract!

Next generation device, the button-less ephone you embed in your forehead.

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11 Responses to “You Are Legally Obligated to Carry a Cell Phone”

  1. Marcus T Says:

    Yaaaaaaaaay!!!! Cell phones!!!! So much fun!

    I read this blog on my computer and then jumped straight to my Crackberry to respond! Wouldn’t let me sign in to WordPress, but who cares! This is so much more convenient. With these tiny buttons I can haf an akskuse fer macking speeling mustaches.

  2. Shawn Spamfuck Says:

    Just my luck, I’m in a bit of pickle, I have had my Apple iPhone 3G for the last 2 years and it’s been great. It’s my understanding that Apple has a new operating system due out called OS 4 and it’s supposed to be adding some new bells & whistles to the Apple iPhone. I actually just bought Verizon’s new HTC Incredible the HTC Incredible and it is a truly great phone, way better than the iphone, BUT I’m hearing that Apple is supposed to be coming out with a completely new iphone altogether, and it’s supposed to be really nice but no one has any ideas as to when and Apple isn’t saying a thing. Should I keep my HTC Incredible, that I have a month to test and send it back if I do not want to keep it, or should I return it, keep my current 3G and wait for the release for the new iPhone- tough to decide.

    • remistevens Says:

      You’re such a fucking fake piece of shit. Can you imagine people sitting around on thier palms waiting to see what apple plans to release next? A new memory stick is considered a leap in technology? Remember when the iphone was first released? I though they had developed some type of new device as they kept calling it a wonderful new device. So they come out and they’re just phones, another new phone. No feature that hadn’t been seen before, not even a new physical design. About the only fresh thing we see from apple is new acronyms. What the fuck is a ‘G’ and why does anyone care?

      Marketing is not technological advancement, retard.

      Everyone with an iphone needs to die.

      • BobZag Says:

        I would argue that there were a lot of features on the iPhone that people had never seen before:
        - the first smart phone without a keypad
        - a touch keyboard that is predictive, full QWERT, and even prevents mistakes
        - Google Maps that work, essentially, as a GPS (which I’m sure you’ll see as a way for the man to ‘track you’
        - advanced sensors that not only know if you’re holding the phone horizontally or vertically, but also know how close your head is to the phone so it can lower or raise the light levels and save your battery.
        - and NOW with the newest version it’s the first cell phone with live video chat – making it the first cell phone for def people
        - also the first cell phone that can edit HD quality video

        I imagine that you don’t care about all this stuff ’cause you’re against cell phones to begin with. But you can’t make comments just because you want them to be true. Everyone with an iPhone needs to die? What are you, five years old?
        What makes a device that makes a lot of people’s lives easier such a bad thing? A lot of people work freelance, and so they need a portable office, a cell phone is the only way for their clients or employers to be able to consistently contact them.

        Sure, we could live without cell phones. We didn’t need them twenty years ago. But the same could be said for EVERY technological advancement, all the way down to the telephone, rail, musical instruments.

        We NEED very few things in life. So what are you doing about all of this besides bitching? I mean, you’re using the internet! I’m sure that there’s a lot of purists out there that think everyone who uses the internet should die.

        Just trying to figure out your angle dude – you seem to have a lot of anger against people.

  3. BobZag Says:

    Wow. So I guess my reply had a few two many facts that didn’t go along with your vision. Sorry about that. Shame you’re only interested in a single-sided conversation about stuff.

    • remistevens Says:

      Guy, who is the angry one? Patience my friend, I just haven’t been blogging much lately- there is no conspiracy to hold back your comments.

      I’ve come up with a fun new way to deal with spammers leaving comments on my blog. Instead of deleting and reporting them, I allow them to post but remove all links and identification. I invite you please to google the ‘comment’ above posted by Spam Fucker to which you’ve replied. This ‘comment’ is on thousands of blogs. My responses to spammers generally involve much cursing, mockery and threats of death. Mainly because i know the poster will never actually read my reply. Anger yes, but directed toward spammers- not cell phone users. Your criticism is hardly fair, you’re criticizing a joke comment i made to a spammer and have said nothing about my post.

      Your facts.
      touch stuff- laptops had it first,
      ‘advanced censors’ nintendo wii
      video chat was probably invented in the 30s
      HD editing. . . .come on, your phone is just a small laptop.

      Every feature you list is old technology crammed into a new device. Its a small laptop, great, how is this a revolution in technology? Yes, it may have been the best cell phone released in 2007, I’ll give you that. But it was not a new device, it was not a new invention. The hype did not fit the product, they invented nothing here. You can’t make a clock radio and pretend that you’ve just invented the television. Well, i guess you can, many people out there easily confuse facts with flash.

      Even though i clearly wanted to avoid this debate in my post and you’ve chosen to criticize only the joke i made to a spammer, lets examine the further details of cell usefulness. So you believe cells are making peoples lives easier? . . …Giving people the capacity to continue working at home, in their cars and during leisure time hardly makes life easier. It may make you a more efficient worker, which is fine, but it doesn’t make life easier. Quick question, how much time did you spend operating a cell phone today? I spent no time at all, how do you figure you’ve got it easier? Fact is, you probably work 60 hours a week and your cell helps you keep from working 80 hours a week. I relent, cell phones are a necessity for debt slaves and workaholics.

      Sure some people need a mobile office, others like emergency workers need connectivity. The device is useful. Most cell phone usages i get bombarded with in public have nothing to do with anything important. Its chit chat, video games. . . .entertainment. Entertainment is distraction, you may get pleasure, but you’re bound to miss something important- like the fact that all that entertainment is descending you into debt slavery. Missing big picture things doesn’t usually make life easier. Another good example: you luckily heard that the meeting is postponed, but unluckily plowed into a van full of people.

      Fact is, most people are using their phones to increase their workload and distract themselves. In a world of pointless wars, spiralling debts and quickly dissipating democracies the last thing we need is an overworked distracted populace. The best consumers are predictable and stupid. . . .Mac would love us all to be the featureless dancing simpletons they display on their ads.

  4. Stewart Leuckel Says:

    Just believed i would comment and say neat theme, did you code it yourself? Looks great.

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